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Showing posts from January, 2012

Wild Dogs

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I  owe the gardener’s wife three bucks and live in perpetual fear that she will ask me for the money. In three weeks, she has not but I have noticed the way she looks at me, as if she wants to come over and talk to me, and ask for her money or something. The other day i was hooting the car trying to get N to get out of the house when I saw her coming.  The thoughts that raced through my head ranged from a panicked scramble to get out the car through other door when it dawned on me that the windows were not tinted. So instead, I grabbed my bag and fumbled through it, looking for... something. I figured that if she asked me about it she would think that i had thought to pay her back myself. Instead, she stuck her head into the car through a tiny opening in the window. “Are you hooting for me?” “Ummm no,” I rattled my bag, held it to my ear put it on my lap and resumed my rifling. When I looked up, she was gone. I suppose it was because of the rain pelt

Snap Judgements

Last night, I met a guy who, in a space of two sentences had labelled me bitter, a further three sentences on after mentioning that I blogged, he said that I had a puffed out ego adding that I was an attention whore who felt the need for people to agree with her. His friend then added that it made me seem insecure; as I seemed to need validation form other people. I agreed. Understand that blogging is vanity publishing, and the majority of people who do it want to be heard. Although, I hardly think they want to agreed with, at least not all the time . What this fine gentleman- who after a couple of more sentences I labelled a neurotic pervert with borderline misogynistic tendencies who felt the need to put people down in order to hide his own insecurities- failed to ask was why I blogged. Sure, I like people to agree with me but at the core of it all, I genuinely love writing; lists, diary entries, doodles on paper and more importantly stuff on this blog. Granted I do not always have t

Things That Go Bump In The Night

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Once, a local newspaper reported the bizarre story of an adulterous couple that got stuck together during sex. The husband had done that to them. I dint understand how but a nerd friend of mine informed me that if during sex a woman is stressed enough her vagina will close up. Bollocks. That was a simple case of witchcraft. The husband confirmed it by going to a witchdoctor (n’anga) and getting them unstuck.  It worked. My nerd friend whispered that the perceived danger had been removed and she had no reason to fear so her vagina had loosened and let her ‘lover’ go. I love that word, lover... it seems so lovey dovey, so yours truly innit? Bollocks. I digress.  Years later when I moved towns, I heard of a man who could let you see who had stolen from you. He would lead you into an ill lit room sit you in a chair and hand you a mirror. Then the rest was all you, “Mirror mirror in my hand, show the fiend who stole my beast/bra/phone/money/shoes.”

Talentless Freaks of Nature

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I have often wondered how the majority of people that enter talent shows convince themselves that they are talented. Most of them are not. Note, the only talent shows that I watch are American ones. Your wailing gay men, who think their singing is absolutely fabulous only to have Simon Cowell tell them they sound like two hippies in a bar. A shrieking child, clutching her head and wailing like Mariah Carey on crack.  her mother  watching proudly(from behind the stage)  with tears streaming  down her cheeks,  and I sitting in my lounge wondering when the farce is going to end, inevitably it does, ten seconds into the torrid performance Piers Morgan sounds his buzzer and nonchalantly announces that not only does she indeed sound like Mariah on crack. You would also think that she was dueting with a dying dog. The said mother rushes on stage, gives our hapless judge a withering look, and quickly bundles her now hysterical daughter away. Now between Americ

The Bone Thrower Saw Thigh and Got a Boner

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Lately I have been neglecting my blog. This is entirely due to no fault of mine whatsoever. Nevertheless, I have reasons why and they are good ones. First, I have been spending time looking for traditional healers. You would think that they would be easy to find, au contraire. The first one I went to refused to see me because I was wearing a sleeveless dress with neon colours splashed across it. The explanation I got had something to do with the ancestors not being too pleased with my tempting of their medium by flaunting my skin. The Headlines would have clearly read: The Bone Thrower  Saw Thigh and Got a Boner Man sees red after seeing flesh uncovered The second n’anga I went to was a skinny light woman, who did not have te decency to at least dress up in her full regalia but instead carried on with her dusting and polishing whilst N and I began our consultation, N: You have heard of those people going around the country eating peoples intestines? [bl

Life Is Painted Noly Red Green

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A shadow painted whereyes, a shadow must fall. the cow's breath not forgotten...   life is painted noly red, green, but also in grey and dard. Let us welcome life with smiles whatever it is. Green Dreams, gift of the gods, and in this achievement effort. both inward and outward. must play a great part Think me not unkind and rude, that I walk done in grove and glen; I go to the god of the wood. Best wishes for my Best friends and welcome To our little happy world. When you have problem, Remember me.please. Cool Dogs Welcome to Cool Dog's Happy little world BEST WISHES FOR YOU I now dend you infinite blessing at every each other for youth and joy! Drip such acrid fragrance. Miffy 45th Anniversary in 2000 Skipper's Schedule Fishing the seas for a fishy story for the fishmonger. Child Wonder The only excercise I get is when I take the studs out of one shirt and put them in another New Taste Many reason have been put forward for napolean fame, apart from those p

Guest Blogger 10: Bloggier Than Thou...

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I do not know how I ended up doing this, but I know every time I thought about it I was filled with that type of dread that comes from knowing a lot is expected from you but you have absolutely nothing, zilch, nada to deliver. Simply because the last time I composed anything I was proud to show to anyone was 8 years ago in English class – and boy, did I used to compose some mean pieces, if I say so myself.   So for these two reasons, I dreaded sitting down to put words on paper again and secretly hoped Vulnavia would forget she commissioned me to write for her. Add the fact that I was not given a topic but merely told to write about ANYTHING ... [This was new ground for me because we always got topics to write about in High School, “What I did during the Holidays”, “A Day I will never forget” e.t.c.] …but I digress too much! So after raking my brain for so long trying to get rid of my chronic writer’s block the epiphany I had been waiting for came. And so it goes...

Versatile Blogger Award

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I have been nominated for the VERSATILE BLOGGER AWARD, by    Sunshyne C . I finally got the recognition that I knew I deserved. When I first started blogging I wrote and rewrote blog award acceptance speeches in the hope that someday somebody out there would recognise me for the new, improved, prettier and more creative version of Shakespeare that I am, well Sunshyne finally did! To see her stuff which really is also quite awesome, click on this linky thing here . Now for the dreary red tape.  The rules are as follows: Thank the award-giver and link back to them in your post Share 7 things about yourself Pass this award along to 15 recently discovered blogs you enjoy reading Contact your chosen bloggers to let them know about the award Seven random things about myself; I am obsessed with yoghurt, of all type colour, flavour, I do not discriminate I would rather wear a dress then jeans, makes me feel so pretty. I will read anything as long as it

Porky Mary vs Handsome John (Episode 1)

She is sitting on a sofa her skins glistens in the fading light he is sweating and her voice has a catch in it that could mean that they have been fighting for a while and she is near tears.   He is sitting on the other end, a large man his bulging muscles quiver with restrained strength. His eyes bulbous globes chase the reflections o his TV flickering across his heavy railway slipper table. She flails her arms in a dramatic fashion, “John, you don’t love me anymore I can feel it,” He turns to her with a look of disgust on his face, “Feel what Mary? That you are not the woman I thought you were?” “You don’t love me John I see it in your eyes,” He reaches for her and changes his mind, “My eyes are as black as my soul you cannot see into them,” A lone tear streaks down her cheek, “I have grown to know you John and you are not the man I thought you were,” She hops up off the seat and stands before him, hands placed firmly on her ample hips. He eyes them fro

Pardon???

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  My not so humble apologies for taking so long to get back to the blog. The holidays had me doing the weirdest things, stuff that was not so conducive to blogging and sharing thoughts with the public. But here goes. After getting my driver’s license i figured that nobody would believe me if i told them that i had gotten it without having to bribe anyone, so i came up with a series of statements to explain how i got mine. --------- 1.        “So he asked me if i had brought the money, which of course I had not so I unbuttoned my shirt and stood there waiting, it didn’t take him long to figure out what to do, the man cleared his desk and was out of his pants before you could say jack-in-the-box .” 2.        “... and just as we neared the intersection with the examiner happily ticking away this naked boy came running from the bushes waving his arms maniacally, hot on his heels were three dwarves carrying machine guns, I didn’t think about it. I braked the car a