Scribbles

  I grew up a lot. I have memories of growing up. Of marking time as the year I grew up. I grew up in the year I went to high school. I grew up in the year I left that high school for another high school. I grew up when my parents got divorced. I grew up when I found out the reason for my parent’s divorce. I grew up again in the year I truly found out the reason for their divorce. In the year, my father died I grew up. In that year, we marked time. We dreamt of Paris. We dreamt of my driver’s license, my marriage and my career. We had big dreams. The spaces around us were small and limited. On the horizon you could see those that had let go of their dreams. Walking listless and jubilant. Shouting greetings and acknowledgments from sunup to sundown. Crowded around something, always something. A ball, a game of draft, a game of something. Life an endless game that they had lost. A game that started from sunup to sundown. And still, we dreamt, we plotted. I see that now. I didn’...

I think I write about fulfillment a lot, and if not the writing of it. The thinking of it. what does it take to get to the place of happiness? For me and for you? Is it in transient things? A lingering look from a lover. The clutch of a baby’s thumb around your finger. The smell of freshly cut grass on a rainy day. Or is it in the things that stay with you? The feeling of contentment that comes with a good relationship? The ability to raise your hand in a meeting and articulate your thoughts. I have constantly said that I struggle with self-expression and this struggle has led me to a place where I struggle with self-actualisation. What I have never asked myself was the why behind this. I have been seeing a woman. A delightful old woman that reminds me of my grade 3 teacher. A woman whose kindness has stayed with me through the years. Her impression of kindness eases the feeling of wretchedness and unworthiness that followed me as I snaked my way to school. I say snaked becau...

I have long battled with the concept of being understood, of fitting in, of knowing who I was. I don't think I ever quite fit in anywhere. Writing this I fear that perhaps you will see me painting myself as a victim and feel sorry for me. Anger towards me or even saddened, but I grapple with emotion because emotions have long been my friend and foe. They stay close and at the same time so distant. They sit in my throat waiting to burst out. but sometimes, they wait so long I swallow them and hurl them out at the most inopportune time. But they come and they go. Alien and unnoticed. Growing up I was different. A kid in a township, living a double life. Shackled to the dreams of my father and my mother's incessant search for something different. Shuttled to and from private school surrounded by pale glowing skin and golden tresses endless in their length and shedding everywhere. Or so it seemed. A childhood of watching brunettes happily munching at thick braids and endless Sa...

I do not know when I realised my brain was wired this way. Long silences stretched into moments that buzzed with sound. The incessant dripping of the tap. The electric hum of the fridge. Forever growing louder until there was no space left in my brain. Voices whispered in my head. Shadows whizzing in and out of my peripheral vision.  There was someone in here. Someone watching. They didn’t speak. They waited. Waited for me to be alone. For those quiet moments at night when the world slept and my thoughts crept in. my heart rate spiking as I imagined the things within and without. Mama had warned me about the silence and the shadows. Had warned me that they moved when I slept. That they rose and crept closer as I dreamt. I could never see them. Except when I let them. When I let the shadows slip into the consciousness of my dreams. They would cajole. They would coerce, but most of all they would wait . Wait for me to sink deeper into my subconscious wait for me to ...

What is it about my job that has stopped me blogging? I could do all my work in my sleep Unlike what my lanky A’Level Accounting teacher tried to drill into me, practical accounting is not at all that hard. One could even be tempted to say that it’s so repetitive, it is boring. I could do it all in my sleep in the last half of the month I spend the first half justifying my salary. Monitoring systems that run themselves and making sure that people see things in ways that hopefully do not contradict my view of how things should run. I could do it all in my sleep in the last half of the month whilst taking hour long power naps I would justify the nap by saying that I work better when my subconscious is fully engaged in the task at hand. After all me and 80% of the world’s population have our eureka  moments whilst dreaming about fluffy clouds and purple elves. And if this doesn’t work I would point out to him that Einstein did his best work whilst horizon...

Facebook has done a wonderful job of creating an application that feeds into human’s need for personal recognition and a feeling of awareness about others around then, and not much more. In the past week 14 people have asked me why I no longer post as much as I used to, and after thinking and thinking I realised that asides from my total disillusionment, it had become a right bore. Mind you, this has nothing to do with Facebook itself... although I call it ' facebook fatigue' I think users on Facebook tend to try to make Facebook an extension of their internal Confidos, and other than that, just try to share boring life details or thoughts in an attention power grab. I’m guilty of it and so are you. After you read this, you should be cured. Watching your friends and acquaintances on Facebook is a bit like watching a long-form documentary about Farming. While you don’t know all of the specifics and details about either, you can kind of figure how it all ...

After a couple of strawberry daiquiris and a month without posting I feel I have enough material to start posting again . You should know that I finally racked up enough courage to cross the border into South Africa... ahhh the land of milk and honey. This is not true. South Africa is a violent vicious place, where any indication that you are not a local marks you out for mugging and blatant xenophobic intolerance. Why just the other day, when I had at last mustered enough courage to use public transport, i got into a bus and sat beside a wizened old fella I felt safe beside him. That is, until I opened my mouth.  I asked him what the fare was and he replied in a series of clicks and grunts. I gave him a blank stare. And indicated by gesturing to my ears that I did not speak the language. Dear reader, I cannot begin to describe to you the look of disdain that flashed across the toothless man’s face, only to be replaced by unbridled disgust. ...