I have been unproductive today. In between doodles and daydreams, I have sighed and smiled, glanced and stared, crossed and uncrossed. My legs. Anything else like a pen or my hands would mean that I was thinking. No. my brain has a freeze. Stuck in a conversation with itself. It seems to me like a broken record.
"What have you done?"
This is not the have you done of a crime committed. But the accusatory "what have you done?"Of a 24 year old self asking a 23 year old self proclaimed forever 21 woman.
"What have you done, with your life?"
"With your relationship. Relationships? About them? With them? To them?"
"What have you done about your job? I see you got one? Does it make you happy?"
"Go Away!" is an unformed thought in my head.
Like a bad script in a Stephen King movie, the voice stays. Whispering, mocking but most of all that laugh.
It is the eve of my birthday, and I have not one satisfactory answer. A retort of great feats and accomplishments. Or an equally mocking one, maybe the awesome presents I am getting will make up for this.
"Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem." this random thought means nothing, is nothing but a sentence in yesterdays BBC news. Where are my great sayings? My great quotations to be bandied about by half educated fops trying to better each other in a battle of who-can-prove-that-he-reads-more. Where is my great enterprise to be analyzed and admired by half hearted business student and the account in a conversation of great entrepreneurs and upcoming "Jobs". “What have I done?”
24 23 21, I grow impatient for my great and marvelous deeds, I too
want to conquer something, to have my corporation, and in the words of Ellen, I
too ‘want world domination!’ I want to ‘move mountains like Usher.
(What I really want right now is to be able to quote lines from songs without having to rely on Google the machine).
Dear Attainment Vaal, just a little more money, a little more fame and a little less PAIN! That's what I want tomorrow and for evermore.