I Am Going To Blow You Away
This December,
because, as some may believe Jesus was born on the 25th -a truth
which has been challenged to no satisfying conclusion, I want to impress you
guys.
So I am going to
post on important issues, and rant on pseudo- intelligently I refuse to be all
sugar and spice, I will comment on world peace, and what I intend to do with my
Miss World tenure, a title I hope to win. As some of you may or may not know I
am the reigning Miss Zimbabwe, long legs, luscious lips and abs for
daaaays. Our previous pageant queen, whose
possible winning of the title I seriously doubted.
A fact which had
me going to my booker to see exactly how much I could bet for her pending
demise, proved me wrong by coming 9th place overall. As I see myself
as way more of a bombshell, and your potential queen I prophesy a clinching of
the title based on a unanimous ten by all the judges.
After that all
of my ugly minions will be forced to bow and address me as “Your Majesty” “The
Divine One” and some such title befitting a beauty such as myself.
So which part of
my mythical tale with no Prince Charming did you believe? I do so hope it’s the
part in which I described my looks in unexaggerated detail.
A misspent youth,
filled with boys (who piled on me less than flattering compliments, which
strike me now as heavily veiled, “I want you V,” and “Oh V you are so awesome.”)
has me breaking into I am so gorgeous monologues every couple of days.
Judging by the
responses from Little N and Big N, this is a lie to myself and mankind like the
unicorn.
Which by the
way, I spent my entire childhood hoping to spot. Fact that the only horses I
ever saw were on T.V, and nobody amongst
my peers owned so much as a horse, a pony, or a better yet a dhongi (donkey),
did not help.
Although, there
was a group of girls that fancied themselves quite the equestrians. Their horse
riding experience was based on rides around the hockey field with some hired
stable hand leading a, I am guessing, neutered mare round and round until he
may have fallen sick with dizziness. Those girls were a demanding lot.
You will have to
forgive me I forgot where I was going with this.
I blame the nifty little gadget on my toolbar
that allows me to spy on the rest of the world every once in a while, and as I
said the other day, in one of my posts. My frontal lobe is less than faithful
and does skip from little bunny rabbits, to Mugabe and then shoots of into some
ever so random thought.
Anyhoo
I have never
thanked any of my readers for their daily stalks, but I appreciate all of you.
I would however like to scold you. ON the days you stay away and don’t bother
to point your browsers to my website, you do so plunge me into a Vodka (in my
head) aided rollercoaster despair of insecurity and perhaps schizophrenic
terror.
I find myself
wondering,
Have all the computers in Italy been hit by some
computer plague,
Has my blog been banned in China just like Facebook
and Google because it was so awesome and the government felt threatened?
Was my last post so mind numbing and brain cell
obliterating that ALL my readers are in a blog induced coma?
In case you a
wandering no I never think you hate it. And when you come back you inspire me
to check my punctuation and grammar. Just in case one of you wants to give me a
book deal based on these here anecdotes.
Are you surprised I am holding out for those?
Don’t be. You see I am saving the good stuff for some such deal; either that or
I divorce rich.
I am kidding you
handsome rich devil you, I am not married.
But no really,
hows about that book deal?
I blog because I
love it, Twitter has too few character enough and no one would read if I posted
on Facebook. The fact that I have an audience from places I have never heard of
(because I do not have a passport and don’t fancy the prospect of window
shopping for some such places to visit) and some such places I can only
ever dream of gratifies me!
Thank you, and
although you may not be as awesome as me (what? It’s hard for me to compliment
people) I really appreciate all the hits from you, YOU, YOU, YOU, and yes the
other one too.
Place hug emoticon here, if there ever was
such.
Dodger from Bvukururu, loud & clear! (You dont need a passport to get here)
ReplyDeleteYou should know that since then I have acquired one :)
ReplyDeleteI am here and I read! Your posts always make me chuckle. You have such a great sense of humor! I really must stop by more often :)
ReplyDeleteAnd here I was, thinking I was the only one who looked for unicorns as a child. My husband's horse is the closest thing I've found to one (she's a spunky palomino) decades later.
Thanks for making me smile tonight by reading this!
Thank you Miss Dre, I am so glad you liked it. One needs to be sure of these things. For all I know I could be sending bouts of posts into space with nobody reading . :)
ReplyDeleteAs for the unicorns, I always knew I was normal.
Always a fan, everyday...
ReplyDeleteThank you Anon, I totally appreciate it ;)
ReplyDeleteHow does one neuter a mare? Is it not a stallion thats neutered?
ReplyDelete