I Am Going To Blow You Away


This December, because, as some may believe Jesus was born on the 25th -a truth which has been challenged to no satisfying conclusion, I want to impress you guys.

So I am going to post on important issues, and rant on pseudo- intelligently I refuse to be all sugar and spice, I will comment on world peace, and what I intend to do with my Miss World tenure, a title I hope to win. As some of you may or may not know I am the reigning Miss Zimbabwe, long legs, luscious lips and abs for daaaays.  Our previous pageant queen, whose possible winning of the title I seriously doubted.

A fact which had me going to my booker to see exactly how much I could bet for her pending demise, proved me wrong by coming 9th place overall. As I see myself as way more of a bombshell, and your potential queen I prophesy a clinching of the title based on a unanimous ten by all the judges.

After that all of my ugly minions will be forced to bow and address me as “Your Majesty” “The Divine One” and some such title befitting a beauty such as myself.

So which part of my mythical tale with no Prince Charming did you believe? I do so hope it’s the part in which I described my looks in unexaggerated detail.

A misspent youth, filled with boys (who piled on me less than flattering compliments, which strike me now as heavily veiled, “I want you V,” and “Oh V you are so awesome.”) has me breaking into I am so gorgeous monologues every couple of days.

Judging by the responses from Little N and Big N, this is a lie to myself and mankind like the unicorn.

Which by the way, I spent my entire childhood hoping to spot. Fact that the only horses I ever saw were on  T.V, and nobody amongst my peers owned so much as a horse, a pony, or a better yet a dhongi (donkey), did not help.

Although, there was a group of girls that fancied themselves quite the equestrians. Their horse riding experience was based on rides around the hockey field with some hired stable hand leading a, I am guessing, neutered mare round and round until he may have fallen sick with dizziness. Those girls were a demanding lot.

You will have to forgive me I forgot where I was going with this.

 I blame the nifty little gadget on my toolbar that allows me to spy on the rest of the world every once in a while, and as I said the other day, in one of my posts. My frontal lobe is less than faithful and does skip from little bunny rabbits, to Mugabe and then shoots of into some ever so random thought.

Anyhoo

I have never thanked any of my readers for their daily stalks, but I appreciate all of you. I would however like to scold you. ON the days you stay away and don’t bother to point your browsers to my website, you do so plunge me into a Vodka (in my head) aided rollercoaster despair of insecurity and perhaps schizophrenic terror.

I find myself wondering,

Have all the computers in Italy been hit by some computer plague,

Has my blog been banned in China just like Facebook and Google because it was so awesome and the government felt threatened?

Was my last post so mind numbing and brain cell obliterating that ALL my readers are in a blog induced coma?

In case you a wandering no I never think you hate it. And when you come back you inspire me to check my punctuation and grammar. Just in case one of you wants to give me a book deal based on these here anecdotes.

 Are you surprised I am holding out for those? Don’t be. You see I am saving the good stuff for some such deal; either that or I divorce rich.

I am kidding you handsome rich devil you, I am not married.

But no really, hows about that book deal?

I blog because I love it, Twitter has too few character enough and no one would read if I posted on Facebook. The fact that I have an audience from places I have never heard of (because I do not have a passport and don’t fancy the prospect of window shopping for some such places to visit) and some such places I can only ever dream of gratifies me!

Thank you, and although you may not be as awesome as me (what? It’s hard for me to compliment people) I really appreciate all the hits from you, YOU, YOU, YOU, and yes the other one too.

 Place hug emoticon here, if there ever was such.

Comments

  1. Dodger from Bvukururu, loud & clear! (You dont need a passport to get here)

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  2. You should know that since then I have acquired one :)

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  3. I am here and I read! Your posts always make me chuckle. You have such a great sense of humor! I really must stop by more often :)

    And here I was, thinking I was the only one who looked for unicorns as a child. My husband's horse is the closest thing I've found to one (she's a spunky palomino) decades later.

    Thanks for making me smile tonight by reading this!

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  4. Thank you Miss Dre, I am so glad you liked it. One needs to be sure of these things. For all I know I could be sending bouts of posts into space with nobody reading . :)
    As for the unicorns, I always knew I was normal.

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  5. Always a fan, everyday...

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  6. Thank you Anon, I totally appreciate it ;)

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  7. How does one neuter a mare? Is it not a stallion thats neutered?

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