Never Ever Trust A Self Styled Prophet

Zimbabweans are a superstitious lot. Four fifths of the population has gone to see someone about their future or situations which usually range from how-to-get-my-husband-to-fall-back-in-love –with-me to how-to-get-that-promotion-at –work-even-if-it-means-killing-my-boss.

I once went to see one of these seers, a prophet. Now before you judge me, think of the horoscopes you have consulted, and little tarot cards and some such nonsense.

Anyway these people are like little Japanese people asking you to take off your shoes, everything else stays but those shoes have got to go.

Pay attention to the eyes

“You are quite young,”

I was.

“I see you are trying to get your boyfriend to marry you,”

I wasn’t

“It will be a difficult feat to accomplish for I have seen a black cow following you,”

“I have not been trying,”

“Yes it is this cow that is putting those thoughts in your head,”

“I don’t think I want him to marry me,”

 “I see you sitting in a hut, with the walls crumbling,” he seemed to be in a trance, his eyes rolled back and all I could see were the whites, “run hide, but where will you go. You are on a big flat stone you cannot jump,”

What?

I didn’t ask for him to explain how I had managed to escape from a hut whose walls were caving in, with me sitting in the middle of it, right about where you see women with their hands gnarled and palms roughened from too much work bank their fires.

“I see a…” he hesitated then and with a shake of his head as if to dispel mists, he bellowed, “they want to know which school you go to.”

They had seen that I went to school had they?

“Ummmm College,” I was almost feint from suppressed mirth

“I have seen you floundering at the technical college,” he whistled, “you will surely fail.”

He reached for a gourd filled with water, instead of swallowing it he blew it out. All of it.

“But above all child,” he had slipped back into a trance,” I see two cows following you, this person the aunt with whom you share your first name wants you dead.

If I had ever believed anything he was saying this stopped such belief from becoming a fully fledged inkling of understanding.

“My name?”

“Yes, they are calling you; tell me do you have dreams when you see nothing at all”

“No,” does that even count as a dream?

“Are you sure? Because your angel agrees with me.”

“My angel?”

“Yes it is standing right behind you.”

Now hold the phone!

Yes, I believe in angels and I was inclined to believe that my angel was nearby but to bring it into this shameless prophesying of hypocrisy was something else.

My dad got my name from a character in a movie; I am not named after a relative dead or otherwise. And to say I went to a polytechnic, I do not think the principal at my university would be amused. To say college is something I learnt from watching too much college TV where the term is generic for University and everything in between.

Whatever happened to the prophet being a bona fide seer? The man couldn’t see prophesy if it hit him on the head!

Someone had clearly been watching too many Spanish movies

What I learnt from this was that life didn’t have any answers and the best decision you could ever make is grabbing hold of Jesus for all you’re worth, besides the question I still ask myself today is; what was up with those cows?