Pardon???

 

My not so humble apologies for taking so long to get back to the blog. The holidays had me doing the weirdest things, stuff that was not so conducive to blogging and sharing thoughts with the public. But here goes.

After getting my driver’s license i figured that nobody would believe me if i told them that i had gotten it without having to bribe anyone, so i came up with a series of statements to explain how i got mine.

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1.       “So he asked me if i had brought the money, which of course I had not so I unbuttoned my shirt and stood there waiting, it didn’t take him long to figure out what to do, the man cleared his desk and was out of his pants before you could say jack-in-the-box.”

2.       “... and just as we neared the intersection with the examiner happily ticking away this naked boy came running from the bushes waving his arms maniacally, hot on his heels were three dwarves carrying machine guns, I didn’t think about it. I braked the car and took off in the opposite direction before the instructor could yell,

“Stop!!! You are not allowed to do that,”

(Please understand that I am convinced that one day dwarves will take over the world.)

3.       “When he told me that I had failed my road test, I calmly took out my gun and advanced ever so slowly never taking my eyes off him and announced, in a dead pan voice that if he did not give me a license, I would shoot each one of his balls and feed him the shreds of each one whilst repeatedly punching his teeth in,”

4.       He told me I was beautiful and I told him that if he did not give me the license I would have him arrested for sexual harassment.

5.       So when I saw that things were not looking good for me, I killed him and stuffed his body in the trunk of the car. That explains why the license is in my handwriting.

6.       I snuck into the examiner’s office that night, urinated on his desk, stole his chair and all the papers, I left the blue licences that was the only stationery he had on him this morning.

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But then it cannot end there, here’s stuff you say when you are sure that your neighbour is eavesdropping,

“...I know he really loves me; the restraining order is just to keep up appearances with his wife.”

“Everytime he hit me, he bought me a new pair of shoes, so now I make him angry so he can beat me up, I mean look at these babies.”

“So after my seventh abortion the ghosts of all the babies I had killed started coming to me now they follow me everywhere, (looks at empty chair) Jeremy stop that (takes side swipe at empty chair).”

“So he gets up from his coffin, points at the pastor, and starts laughing hysterically...”

“... I simply put them on and walked out of the shop, the shop assistant didn’t even notice.”

“...I don’t care that he’s a male prostitute, now we can afford whatever we like, what bothers me is that he goes out dressed as a woman.”

“so when my herpes finally broke out, i didn’t think nothing of it, after all my gonorrhoea was more frightful and painful.”

NOW, anyone with any random statements for eavesdropping strangers please do share.