Talentless Freaks of Nature

I have often wondered how the majority of people that enter talent shows convince themselves that they are talented. Most of them are not.

Note, the only talent shows that I watch are American ones.

Your wailing gay men, who think their singing is absolutely fabulous only to have Simon Cowell tell them they sound like two hippies in a bar.

A shrieking child, clutching her head and wailing like Mariah Carey on crack.  her mother  watching proudly(from behind the stage)  with tears streaming  down her cheeks,  and I sitting in my lounge wondering when the farce is going to end, inevitably it does, ten seconds into the torrid performance Piers Morgan sounds his buzzer and nonchalantly announces that not only does she indeed sound like Mariah on crack. You would also think that she was dueting with a dying dog.

The said mother rushes on stage, gives our hapless judge a withering look, and quickly bundles her now hysterical daughter away.

Now between American Idol, X Factor-USA and America’s got talent I am more than convinced that there is something wrong with the way Westerners raise their kids.

In my house when I so much as open my mouth to sing along/solo/duet with anyone, one of my sisters simultaneously drops to the floor, clutches her tummy, points and laughs hysterically.

Mind you, my singing is not so bad, I can hold my own in any crowd, but even though I sound good in the shower, I am not deluded.

The people on these shows are however quite deluded.

I am realistic, the people at home made sure of this. I imagine that three quarters of the contestants on these talent shows had a charmed musical childhood.

Scene 1.

Contestant (at age eight):  Pounds piano off key

Mum: Oh my, that is absolutely delightful

Contestant (at age ten): pounds piano off key, they still do it like when they eight.

(The dog whines and walks off)

Dad: Hearing you play brings tears to my eyes, your talent is unsurpassed, Mozart himself is smiling in his grave.

Mum: Dad I think she is ready, when America’s Got Talent next rolls into town we will take her to the auditions and they are going to love her.

They don’t.

Piers Morgan:  (with the crowd hysterically yelling “Boooooo!”) that was simply atrocious; even if you practised for a lifetime, I would still say no. Guards take her away.

Scene 2.

Son (age 14): Humming softly, saying a word or two out loud occasionally

Dad: Peter, what are you humming?

Son: Our war cry dad, I made the football team and I am trying to remember the words.

Dad: well, sing a little louder let’s hear it then

Son: Daaaaad (he whines) I am not even sure of the words

Dad: Don’t be silly, I wanna hear, now sing

Son: initially you cannot hear what he is singing but then the look of encouragement on his dads face eggs him on.  He yells a little louder, a bit more off key this time. By now, his dad is positively brimming.

He finally finishes with a flourish.

Dad: that was absolutely marvellous.

Dad makes a sudden U-Turn

Son: I thought we were going home (looks about him confusedly)

Dad: Not with all that talent we aren’t, I am taking you to the X-Factor auditions. Your voice takes me back to a better time in my life, like an angel singing solo it caresses my soul. You so are music personified.

Son: (he believes it and wracks his brain for his performance song)

On their way, they buy an Elvis costume for the son, (dad has always been a fan of Elvis and seeing, as his son is the next bad thing, he decides his boy should look like Elvis).

Son goes on stage.

He belts out a startling cacophony of sound. His voice is breaking, he cannot remember his lines and asks for a second chance. Dad’s encouragement has him pumped.

He starts again.

In one line, he has gone through soprano, alto, turner, bass and back again.

The judges are silent.

He carries on. Until the sound technician unable to take, it anymore turns off his mic.

Simon Cowell: (looking bored) Are your parent’s siblings? Because you sounded like you have a malformed voice box.

Dad is furious, all this time he had been sitting silently in the audience, tears streaming down his cheek. His son in his Elvis outfit has made him so proud.  If he were African, his ancestors would be so proud.

On hearing Simon’s words he jumps up and charges like a maddened bull, *insert expletives here*

Security tazers him and he still tries to tear himself away to get to Simon. They knock him unconscious.

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And that my friends is how no talent folk end up on talent shows.