A Case Of Talking Roaches And Millipede Children
My
mother was pretty peeved the other day when the two Ns walked into the house
after dark. And instead of launching an attack on the both of them, she decided
to allot times to each in order for them to fully state and defend their
case, potentially they would each get a hiding.
What
followed went exactly like this, and it was said in the vernacular. But for the
sake of you Russians and Americans I have taken the liberty of translating it.
The
scene was her bed where she lay like a Modern day Marilyn Monroe minus the
cigarette holder and sexy pout. Instead she had a phone in her hand and was
staring at her reflection trying to decide whether or not she should die her
hair, I am not one for other peoples vanity and was shaking my head quite
vehemently.
She
looked at her reflection one more time and gazed past me to look outside; I was
sitting by the window.
“Where
are those kids?”
“Still
out in the street somewhere I guess, the sun has barely gone down.”
“That
doesn’t matter,” she said irritation creeping into her voice, “it’s almost 7
o’clock”
They
came in just then, and mama proceeded to tell me that seeing as they were her
kids they were on the same wavelength. I learnt long ago never to disagree with
my mother. After all she had borne five children and I, none.
“You
two get in here," she yelled.
They
slowed their paces, guessing correctly that they had somehow affected her mood.
Mama has the hand of the baboon -direct translation of a Shona idiom, which
means she will use any excuse to slap the tequila out of you.
“Come
here you millipede, idiot of a child, no small N, I don’t mean you.”
“What I
tell you about coming back at this time and what happens to play crazed monkeys
like you, hell bent on spending the night jumping up and down like giant frogs
in the street?”
Big N
blinked confusedly trying to think whether or not it was wise to move closer.
It was
wise to do so.
“Move
closer.”
She
did, enough to placate and enough to still be out of reach of mama’s left hook.
I
imagine that Big N watched my mother through eyes round from fright, and maybe
because i imagined they could swivel every which way, she was looking around
trying to look for exits.
“Stop
gawking at me and answer me.”
“I
don’t understand what you mean.”
“Would
you like for me to call the cockroaches to help you?”
“You
can’t.”
“I
can’t what?”
“Call
the cockroaches, they won’t come.”
“I can
do what I want, and I am going to call them to have them answer in your stead.”
“They
won’t answer, because they can’t talk.”
Mama
seemed to mull over this for a while, which was a small wonder to me, and then
seeming to shrug mentally she changed tack.
"you take this one chum, she seems real peeved" |
“Big N
you are older and for that you should know better, if you behave in the same
fashion again. Ever. I will beat you till you are black like little crows.”
All
this while I had been silently laughing and piping in here or there. Yelling
little gems that I felt would make each’s case stronger.
“I
doubt there are enough cockroaches in the house.”
“They
really cannot talk you know.”
“She
only went outside because there was no electricity; I doubt you will have the
same problem tomorrow.”
Each
point went unheeded, and because I felt the conversation was going to get more
ridiculous I left the room.
effn Hillarious!!!!!!
ReplyDeletethank you :)
ReplyDeletevery much amusing
ReplyDeleteso funny, i totally relate - iv bn called all the pests in the world by my granma!
ReplyDeletei cud evn see the video in my head...double hillarious
ReplyDeleteto my mum it seems that no creature is sacred. Mythical or otherwise. When I was younger her ill flung insults used to get to me, now they have me in laughing fits, which only serves to exasperate her more.
ReplyDelete@prudie I'm glad to see you have taken up blogging again.