14 Nov 2011

Eight Things I Will Never Apologise For!





1.       THINKING THAT ZIMBABWEAN MEN WHO GET RAPED ASKED FOR IT.



Glad I got that one off my chest, and it’s true. Drive down any highway, Main Street, under any bridge, walk through any forest, go behind any building and you are bound to see at least 5 men urinating.

You think the world is your urinal, whipping out your junk every opportunity you get and expect to get away with it. Just as you justify raping a child, woman, girl, baby. I to would justify raping any man who so carelessly displays his wares. If you don’t want it then keep your junk in your pants!


2.       HATING SOMETHING EVERYONE ELSE LOVES

Let’s see, that would be puppies, cats, corn flakes, that stupid series 24 which translates to a total disregard of that famed agent Jack Bauer. Following that I hate crowds and small talk, yes even if you are my friend, either get to the point or do not talk at all.


3.       MY PERSONAL STYLE

Every guy I have dated in the past, except my current, has 9 times out of 10 reacted in a similar fashion upon seeing me.
“What are you wearing?”
“Where on earth did you find that outfit?”
“You still want to go out?”
And each time I have responded with a smile and a pose,
“You like?”
No they never liked. But I have always loved the way I dress. And so do all the other women who have inadvertently envied me.
I shall not apologise for who I am.


4.       ALWAYS BEING RIGHT

In the words of Sheldon Cooper, “if I were wrong, I would know.”


5.       HATING TO BRUSH MY TEETH

Don’t get me wrong, I brush my teeth at least 5 times a week. But really? If it were up to me I would stock up the Stimorol and clean them passively. In case you wonder what I do over the last two days of the week to keep halitosis at bay. Which I think is genetic and as no one from my mother’s side has it, I am safe.
Anyhow. Saturday and Sunday, I eat fruit. Especially apples. They work too. Plus I make sure I keep my mouth open at all times, you listen I talk. Can’t have bacteria multiplying in a closed mouth huh?


6.       HOPING THAT WHEN I FINALLY MEET MR. RIGHT HIS MOTHER WILL BE DEAD

Now before you begin over analysing this you should know one thing about African mother –in-laws. They don’t want a daughter-in-law. They want a work horse. Up at 5; cook, scrub, dig, feed, cook, scrub, clean, feed, dig over and over. And if they have it their way, you go to bed at 9. And from what I have seen, it seems they are programmed to dislike you on sight. That scowl that seems reverse botoxed on their foreheads...and majority of them have cats.


7.       BEING A LITTLE BIT TRIBALISTIC

This has nothing to do with some deep sociopathic dislike of Ndebeles, as most Shona’s do. I just don’t like it when they start speaking Ndebele. I cannot understand a single thing. And if there is one thing I don’t like, it’s being left out. So if you come to Harare, speak Shona/English so I can hear you. Yes even if you are not talking to me, I need to understand that you are not talking about me. Yes yes a bit neurotic I know. But that’s how I am.


8.       MAKING SURE I WALK IN FRONT OF A REFLECTIVE SURFACE.

Mmmmmm she’s so hot I could make out with her. You know you want to. Everybody secretly thinks their prettier than everyone else. And a little reflective validation never hurt nobody.

This list could be longer, but I got a little bit tired, plus this cloying heat is not helping, and my laptop is hot, what what. Ok enough.
It’s a bit depressing having to justify the things I will not apologise for.  :S

10 comments:

  1. ur so like me!(hope its not number 9 on your list.."Being like other people"lol.please dont whisper secrets in my ear on wknds tho, regardless of whethr uv js eatn a giant granny smith!

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  2. Hahahahaha! Best read ever!
    gm

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  3. Anon 1, Prudie a lot of people think like that. its just the Madding Crowd that demands otherwise.
    Anon 2, can't put a name to you. but thank you :)

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  4. i read this article with things you should never apologise for, out of 15 only 2 of those were for me. So i decided to come up with my own list.

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  5. hey there. I Will take a leaf from your blog and write a list of things i Will never apologise for! Great article this

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  6. Yes sir/ma'am everyone should have a list of at least five, life is too short to have to explain yourself over and over

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  7. This is probably one of the best lists I've read in a long time! You're a fantastic writer. It takes a lot to keep me captivated in a post and I read like three of yours! IN A ROW! Haha. I agree with #1 and #8

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