7 Nov 2011

That 14day Report That Will Lead To A Ring On MY Finger


The other day the accountant and I were engaged in a heated debate about the virtues of pink shirts. I was defending every man who had ever worn them and every man who ever would. He categorically called them faggots, and fairies. I was passionately bestowing virtues upon the colour when his phone rang.

"Hello dear,"

He listened.
"Honey can you call me back? I am in a very important meeting right now." it was
He rung off and we continued.
Just when i thought the light of understanding had gone off in his head, his phone rang again. It was his wife. What follows was a conversation that made me think that hiding all Facebook activity could go a long way in saving all happily married/daring/swinging couples.
"Honey, i am still in that meeting call me back."
"You are in a meeting?"
He rolled his eyes and said yes.
"You just commented on your ex-girlfriends status."
"Well i got bored and i..."
"In an important meeting?
"Yes there was a lull and i logged on to facebook with my phone."
"And you immediately thought to look up your ex?"
"Well i didn't think it was a big deal because..."
"Why didn't you go on my status instead? Why did you comment on her status? You haven't said a word on mine..."
This went on for 2 minutes with N, not to be confirmed with my friend N, blustering and casting silent pleas in my direction. And fiddling with his tie. 
When finally he hung up he looked positively ill, at which point we started on the merits of friending a spouse. Typically in male fashion he thought that to do it would be a waste of time. I concluded this by saying it would only ever be a waste of time if you wanted out of the relationship.
Not once did he think to unfriend the ex.
                 -----------------
However not all Facebook activity is bad.

I can almost foresee detective companies coming up which would specialise in Facebook investigations. Companies with tag lines such as ‘Helping find the Real Him’ or ‘Saving girls from assholes, one asshole at a time’. 
I can foresee the girl's parents visiting a ‘The Facebook Investigators’ and having a conversation such as this:
“We are planning to have our girl married off to a boy from Gweru.”
“Sure. Let me know how we can help you.”
“The boy’s name is Mar Ryher. And we want to find out if he is a good fit for our innocent daughter.”
“Hmm….do you know his Facebook ID?”
“Yes…our daughter has already started chatting with him. His ID is: mar.ryher.”
“And his email ID in Facebook?”
“His email ID is mar.ryher@gmail.com”
“Thank you. Consider your job done. We will need at least 14 days. If we find him not good for your daughter, we will not just give you the proof of his past but also generate proof in the present.”
“How much will this investigation cost us?” The cost conscious lady of the house will speak up.
“Madam, just think about it for a while. How much will you be willing to give to ensure your daughter has a good married life?”
I won’t go into how much these detective agencies will charge the hapless parents, but they would make a killing for sure.
And once the parents exit the scene, one young trainee will be put on the job. He will immediately use one of his Girl IDs and send a friend request to Mar Ryher. Being already deprived of Friend Invites from girls, the poor Mar will immediately accept it and fall into the trap.
From the fake profile the young trainee will get to know Mar better, find out what makes him tick what he is into whether he really likes that other girl or not. And if he does, what his intentions are.
Now Mar will open  up like a can of beans because Friend requests from girls are few and far in between for most men. And any attention from the opposite sex is like manner. This is a theory I have based on my own facebook escapades. J
14 days later, the parents will get a report on the suitability of Mar. I am still to think what the structure of this report will be. As soon as I have it figured it out I will post it.


11 comments:

  1. Crazy... But I think I am going to open a company that will provide services like these #FbInvestigations...

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  2. Location, Location... open shop in India countrywide and let me be your hanger on :)

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  3. sounds like you're an expert in the trade yourself...

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  4. @lol, lol ( I had to do that) which trade? of investigating or being the nagging wife?

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  5. i am not thorough enough for that hey, i like for things to be easy and come to me. but thank you for the faith

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  6. LOL this was too funny! Sooner or later I do believe some company will be cashing in on FB investigations though. I know so many couples that have issues over FB interactions! My husband and I are linked on FB, but we rarely view each other's activities. He's rarely online and could care less what ex writes on my wall, so I guess it's no big deal lol.

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  7. my boyfriend had to swear to never make a big deal of stuff that was written on our walls.
    sooner or later some ex is going to write i miss you and the best way to deal with is ignore his wall.
    you and your husband have it right i should tell the accountant.

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  8. Now there is a business opportunity if one ever needed it. Talk of entrepreneurial inspiration!

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  9. “Madam, just think about it for a while. How much will you be willing to give to ensure your daughter has a good married life?”

    That's a good way to ensure you'll get rich providing this service. I LIKE IT.

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  10. Now all I need is other peoples money to invest in it :)

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