Shakespeare Is Not Shakespeare, If He Were Bald Then Maybe

                                     

I am so gullible. As long as a ‘fact’ is written on paper I will believe it. The Da Vinci Code had me in a spiritual funk, Angels and Demons did nothing to pull me out. I fared better after reading the Bible.  I read that my name meant ‘black pearl’, I believed it. Which put in my quite a quandary when I was told that it meant to wound’. Now this caused quite a conundrum.

1.   Which version of my truth would I tell people?

2.   Did this mean that I would have to settle on one meaning when both could serve me so well?

For that man I did not want to give a chance I would throw black pearl at him with a careless glass over my shoulder. Smile at him one last time and walk away.

For the potential Mr. Right I would look deeply in his eyes and dare him

‘To wound.’

And depending on his answer we would walk hand in hand into the sunset. Picture me doing that. The sun as a backdrop and our silhouettes contrasted against the sun.

Sadly I have since learnt that, that stuff only works in ill scripted novels and some vague memory of what I think romance is supposed to be like.

I should warn you that in my head the guy is always bald.

There is something about a man with no hair. That hairless nut shining in the sun like a new penny beckoning to me,

‘Touch me.’

Before you think I am crazy, I have one word FETISH. I do not have one, which makes me healthy, and normal.

My first boyfriend wasn’t bald though he had the head for it. He used to write me the sweetest letters; he punctuated every two sentences with ‘I love you.’ I believed him.

Which is why instead of telling me it was over, he hugged me, looked deep into my eyes and said goodbye. I gave him a watery smile, and took that to mean see you later. When he walked off i never thought to follow. Two weeks, and 14 days with no letters I saw him at C Block with a rabbit toothed elf. She was so dark all the jokes and puns were made for her.

It took 6 more months of no letters for me to realise that it really and truly was over.

Lately i have been hearing talk that the rest of the world has been engaged in a heated debate over whether or not Shakespeare wrote all his plays. And all of a sudden my notions of love are crumbling before my very eyes.

If he did not write all those plays, then pray tell who did? Who filled the inadequacies of the English language by making up such classics as are these words? Which i shall italicize to prove my point.

Obscene, hot-blooded, Eyeball, puking, skim milk, epileptic

Now i have to say that this argument is founded on the premise that Shakespeare was poor, and therefore there is no way he could have had such a way with the pen,  his turn of phrase and the simplicity (for that time) of his prose, was uncharacteristic of one from such a poor background.

Instead a lot of people have attributed his works to Lords and Earls, because in no way could one of a lowly station have had such complete knowledge and understand of the workings of royalty.

This argument does not sit well with me because what it implies is that poor people have no place in history. And really if it wasn’t too hot for me to explore this notion i would explore it with the rabidness of a dog with a bone.

There is hope for me yet, and whilst scouring the very sink hole of information –the web- i came across two gentlemen that made quite an impression on my philandering frontal lobe. I say philandering because it is unable to hold an opinion for more than the requisite ten seconds.

I digress.

What they espoused (yes I had to throw in that word, i haven’t used it for a year). They were convinced beyond what any newspaper or new age dubious movie had to say , that Shakespeare did in fact write those plays because,

1. William Shakespeare was an actor in the company which performed the plays of William Shakespeare

They had me at William

2.   The name "William Shakespeare" appears on the plays and poems

  

No way could that fine gentleman have had the audacity to put his work on work that he had not done          

3.   William Shakespeare the actor was William Shakespeare of Stratford-upon-Avon.

Quite true that, you can’t have had two Williams in one place could you.

Anyhoo, they quoted this gentleman and he was spot on.

Some say (good Will) which I, in sport, do sing,
Had'st thou not plaid some Kingly parts in sport,
Thou hadst bin a companion for a King;
And, beene a King among the meaner sort.
Some others raile; but, raile as they thinke fit,
Thou hast no railing, but a raigning Wit:
   And honesty thou sow'st, which they do reape;
   So, to increase their Stocke which they do keepe.
                                                                          John Davies